It is only out of the places of despair that we can truly be rescued…
I have learned a tremendous amount about surrender over these past 6 months. Through the practices of presence, stillness, and intentionality I have pushed myself to a new edge of discomfort by letting go of control and consequently self-realization.
For me, the idea of control brings comfort. It is a longing brought on by the human condition. To accept that one is out of control is to accept instability & chaos.. things that we can hardly tolerate beyond brief moments. Yet what I have learned is that if I am never out of control, or even in the occasional state of despair, I simply cannot be rescued. Nor can I be brought to a new place of enlightenment, as comfort perpetuates the status quo.
The truth is, I want to be rescued (I NEED to be rescued)… because I am too often confronted by my own shortcomings. And my innermost being longs for more.
In a recent experience caring for a suffering loved one, I was taken back to a place of despair. As I sat with her, watching her fully experience some of the deepest emotional pain, my stomach turned. She had made such an emotional pilgrimage over the past year, yet this setback felt as heavy as the trailhead of her journey. There was so much beauty in the freedom she found to use her voice and her body to fully express her condition, but to see her physically suffer from an emotional wound brought back so many memories… memories of her in a weaker state, memories of how helpless I felt to support and love her well, memories of feeling completely hopeless.
There are times we choose to surrender, to give up control, to be brave. And then there are times when the reins are yanked from our hands. This experience was beyond me, and within moments I could feel her pain as if it was my own.
Little did I know how I would feel just 12 hours later… That in her induction ceremony I would watch her step up and be initiated into a new season of life; that I would experience her reaching a milestone, the possibility of which was greatly questioned at one time. And in that moment I lost control, and my heart literally imploded. Every ounce of fear and doubt and sadness from the night before was exterminated from the inside out by the utter explosion of my soul in gratitude and awe. I was overcome by shock in that moment and I still cannot fathom how my heart could have survived such an extreme emotional tide. But what’s even more is trying to grasp how she had gotten to this place. How had her journey brought her here.. a place and an emotional state that once felt impossible.
That day I looked G-d in the face. I had called Him a liar and questioned His ability to rescue her. And in His absurd and abundant grace, all He said back to me was, “Carly, I promise, I will redeem you.” And I knew that through His redemption of her whole entire earthly life, He was showing me a sign of what He has in store for me.
In that moment, I was rescued.
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