I recently made a resolution. Not so much a New Year’s resolution because I fear new year promises are surrounded by expectations that somehow psychologically set me up for disappointment. Rather this is a personal resolve to which I renew my commitment at the beginning of each day. I am resolving to relinquish control in the toughest area of my life: my most intimate relationships. This desire has been nagging me for months but not until recently was I pushed to a place requiring my surrender and quest for an alternative.
For me, the practical steps behind this mighty feat for which I do not feel strong enough begin with letting go of personal expectations. By relieving my closest relationships of the expectation that they would behave in a particular way and letting go of the fear that they would cause me pain through their action or inaction, I am free to trust. And trusting is horrifying, as it creates an immense black hole for disappointment and pain. But the alternative of being consumed by fear and angst, frantically grasping at and gripping everything dear to me, is crippling and unsustainable. And I have come to a crossroads in my life where I am exhausted trying to control and drowning in self doubt. Slowly dissolving these personal expectations not only frees up those around me, but it enables me to be bigger than my circumstance & move closer to personal liberation.
At the onset of this practice (during which I feel very much like a toddler trying to walk), the “high” of an untethered experience opens me up to so many more possibilities. What if I chose to LIVE my life instead of worry and attempt to manage every interaction that has true value to me? my expectations would drown in the possibility of outcomes. And I might even encounter the joy that comes with experiencing present moments, extinguishing worry of the future state.
Only a short time after loosening my grip I realize I have so much energy that has become displaced - what was once spent wishing and planning and fretting is now free to jump from subject to person to goal. And as my life prana bounces between each of these alternative destinations, I connect my life experience to what I know to be true about G-d, and come to realize that there is only one space for this energy to comfortably land, to call home, that truly frees it from its wandering state. I begin to realize that the “freedom” experienced at the onset of this journey wasn’t freedom at all - it was a release but not a true surrender.
I realize that it’s not until that energy finds its proper home that I can begin to hope. Because hope is a guide rope, coming out of the future towards me, and is anchored in the ultimate foundation - the palm of our omniscient Father. Once the live wire of flowing current finds its true home grounded with the ultimate Source, I can begin to really let go of the flimsy untethered rope I was once gripping so tightly - a rope anchored only in the brokenness of humanity with no direction or place to land, whose future is merely a product of happenstance. Because now, I am not alone.
And this brings me to my role is this chaos: to actively choose. To choose to believe in G-ds promises. To choose to remember when He has showed up for me. To chose to trust others, not depend solely on myself. To chose to hope in a vision that so much greater and more secure than mine. And so, in taking back my morning, I am choosing to give that energy a home, where it will be nurtured, pruned and grown; and truly be life giving in the garden of our creator.
my role: choose. trust. hope.
His role: take care of the rest.
my reward: freedom.
in. and out. and iiiiiiiinn. and ooooouuttt.
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